"So, there I am! King... King of all the land. Who would have ever thought that? Not me...

I guess, you know who these guys are now, 'cause I certainly do. But I don't want to know them...

And yep, I may be king. I have all the money in the world... And all the land. And all that stuff. But you know... I don't really think I want it. I just want to go home... With Berry. And... I don't know, have a bottle of beer? It's not gonna happen...

It's true what they say: The grass is always greener. And you don't really know what it is you have until it's gone...

Gone...

Gone."

"When I was one, I was dropped on the porch. When I was two, I had pneumonia. When I was three, I got the chicken pox. When I was four, I fell down the stairs and broke six ribs. When I was five, my uncle was decapitated by a watermelon. When I was six, my parents hit me in the head with a shovel. When I was seven, I lost my index finger to my pet rat. When I was eight, my dog Spike got hit by a tractor.

When I was nine, my mother lost her arm to a rabid Brahmin. When I was ten, my sister was torn to bits by a pack of dogs. When I was eleven, my grandfather killed himself because I was ugly. When I was twelve, my grandmother killed herself because I was ugly. When I was thirteen, my father poked out his eyes with a pitchfork in a drunken stupor.

When I was fourteen, my brother lost his hand to a wallaby. When I was fifteen, my aunt choked to death on a chicken bone. When I was sixteen, I lost my cousin to a badger. When I was seventeen, I cut off my left big toe with a hoe. When I was eighteen, my father lost his right leg to the same tractor that killed my dog. When I was nineteen..."