Hallo Leute, ich bin neu hier, hab keine Vorstellungs-Ecke gefunden also kommts halt hier rein.
AAAAAAlso mein erster post EVER in irgendeinem Forum
, und ich warne euch Ich werde gleich ein extrem persönliches und anstößiges Dokument posten um mich Vorzustellen, also wenn ihr gerne glücklich seid hört lieber auf zu lesen
Zur Erklärung: Ich dachte mir ich probiere mal dieses "Anonymitäts-Ding" aus, und why the buck not i guess....
ach ja
ist in englisch weil es mir so leichter fiel zu schreiben
without further ado
So I figured out what's wrong with me, all the things I ever wanted and cared about where fictional, I never really gave a crap about reality;
now I'm stuck hating myself, with nothing worth fighting or living for, too afraid to die;
I've been there and I can honestly say no one wants to die although the splashing part is really exciting, someone in that situation just doesn't know what to do about the pain and simply wants it to stop;
wanting to be dominated and serve someone, being a submissive slut doesn't help either;
neither does the fact that I ended up the wrong gender, feeling ugly and not worthy of the love I so desperately seek(like everyone does I guess);
Love/Relationship being the next point;
My Relationships taught me that I smother;
too clingy and desperate since I think of myself as unworthy of being loved, the need to be loved can't be satisfied properly/constantly by someone else;
only satisfied when cuddled up in blissful unchanging, static stillness;
like Shinji Ikari I prefer a safe, unchanging world, devoid of expectations, surprises, complications...;
all that results in rather....painful love relationships, constant ups and downs, while giving myself wholeheartedly without compromise to my partner, which always proved to be too much for them, since my true self is probably just a sobbing self loathing mess whose only goal in life is to make those moments of feeling loved last forever;
needless to say break ups are more than just painful, since I kinda completely devote myself to love without compromise;
Even kept seeing an Ex after she was already fucking practically the whole town(including her own father), still hanging out with her, loving her, sleeping with her(she pitied me), tearing apart my insides just so I wouldn't be alone again;
Drama Queen;
the constant need for drama, the wallowing in self pity, sadness and desperation;
getting off on being treated like shit, I waddle in self loathing and the “Hopelessness” of my situation, being treated by life(my own fault) in the way I think I deserve, being put right where I belong: in the dirt, face first, enjoying it;
I want it to stop, its just too painful, but I love it and I don't know anything else...;
Surprisingly I've always been an Introvert, and growing up just made it worse;
trying to get an apprenticeship or work showed me that too much exposition to people just makes me break down;
Now I can't even interact normally with people, whether face to face or anonymously on the internet, since I'm just too ashamed of myself, pretty much everything I've got to say concerning myself and seeming to me like an attempt to draw pity from people;
But I don't want or deserve pity, I just want to be happy(again, like everyone does I guess);
I think as a (technically) grown up, self responsible Person I ought to shut up and fix my Life myself, but I can't just start liking myself just like that, and since being miserable kinda gets me off....;
Maybe I listened to too much Placebo while growing up;
consulting a shrink taught me that people are amazingly unaware of the fact that social anxiety is REAL, and telling your patient to get a job is NOT always the right answer...;
So with all that said about me I think its possible to see how I came to write down my thoughts about me
sorry for unloading all that crap upon you